john the meter butler

SLOW DOWN! he says.
i was hurrying alongside a line of parked cars at 430 in the afternoon.
abidingly, i slowed down. i turned my head, and i looked at the dark short man as he smiled to reveal three lonely teeth illuminating a dark dark mouth. his smile suggested good intentions but his hands grasped bad intentions. so i stopped to see what he had to say.
I DON’T WANT YOU TO TRIP. AND NO WORRIES, I WONT GIVE YOU A TICKET.
okay, i replied. but my car isn’t parked here.
JUST TO SHOW YOU THAT I WON'T GIVE YOU A TICKET, I’LL EVEN WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR.
but it’s not parked here, i’m just in a hurry.
he started walking with me. ‘great!’ i thought to myself. ‘now i have to make idle conversation!’ ‘and i’m already late for where i need to be.’
ARE YOU A STUDENT HERE?, and he pointed up the hill to my school.
yes. –hey! i have a question for you. do you have to fill a ticketing quota each month?
NAH. NAH MAN. NO QUOTA. THIS IS THE BEST JOB I’VE EVER HAD. I’M ABOUT READY TO BUY A NEW CAR, GET MY TEETH FIXED. PAY’S GOOD.
so if you don’t have to fill a quota, do you get incentives for writing a certain number of tickets each month?
NAH, LISTEN. YOU COMING BACK THIS WAY?
so at the end of the month, when you’ve given 1,000 tickets, you’re not rewarded for it?
OH. YEAH. HOW YOU THINK I'M GONNA BUY MY NEW TEETH? PAY’S GOOD. BUT I WON’T GIVE YOU A TICKET.
my car’s not parked here.

how fish fall in love

Guppy didn’t like me when we first met. But then, he’s fairly picky when it comes to choosing a mate. His opinion on me was that I swam too fast, ate all the flake food given to us by ‘the hand’, and flaunted the under part of my fin to too many other guppies. Hmpf.

Over time, I showed Guppy with subtle, elaborate, and blatant means, that I like him. I looked him directly in the eye when we released bubbles with each other. I smiled and pursed my mouth to show my delight at his presence. When he showed interest in swimming in circles, I showed a similar interest (but ended up swimming much faster than he – though don’t tell him I told you). On days that his pigmentation was particularly bright, I complimented him. And when he had a bad day, I empathized with him or gave him a big hug.

All in all, I have to say, the seduction of Guppy worked quite well. He now yearns to swim in my circles. He’s always trying to look under my fin. And when we’re alone in the tank together…we speak poetically to one another: about why we swim in circles, why we blow bubbles, why the bacteria in the tank smell, and why he likes me so much. It’s so nice.

the Law of Diminishing Returns

Over the past year, I have found it increasingly difficult to design and implement experiments. I am a student in the 5th year of a PhD program studying Hepatitis delta virus RNA editing, and frankly, my research fervor is waning. Why is this? And how could I go about waxing my scientific ingenuity?

A friend recently introduced me to the concept of diminishing returns. She spoke of it in an economic sense, but flavored the explanation with the sweetness of strawberries. She proposed: You eat one piece of strawberry pie. It tastes good and satisfies your sugar craving, right? What about if you eat two pieces? Does this second piece further satisfy your craving? The third piece? Fourth? Fifth? According to the law of diminishing returns, more input (i.e. # of pie pieces) results in less output (pie satiation).

Here, I have taken the liberty of applying the law of diminishing returns to my waning intellectual satisfaction in grad school. When I first started in the PhD program, knowledge acquisition in classes, clubs, lectures, and through individual mentorship both exhilarated and titillated my intellectual eagerness. Midway through the program my synapses tired but I was able to relieve my ennui by embracing teaching. And now, as I am faced with the same stimuli as four years prior, I am gaining less and less satisfaction from a typical day at the lab. My mind is bored. And I need an escape.

So let’s look at our pie example for a solution to decreased satisfaction. How can one avoid jading on a fourth piece of pie? Can it be made enticing by replacing the strawberries with cherries or apples, or by serving it with a glass of milk? Likewise, could the last year of a PhD be made more exciting by adding new classes or by implementing new variations on the scientific theme?

In my case, I am convinced that I need a new flavor of pie. I like strawberry pie but the fruit seeds get caught in my teeth. Science still drives me but I need an escape from test tubes and lab coats. So now the question becomes: what new variable should be introduced to cure my intellectual boredom?

If there was only an economic concept to determine this…